Wednesday, January 16

second draft

Wait, did someone say editing?

Any editor will tell you that Microsoft Word's Find & Replace function is the one powertool they can't live without. Just look how it turned this story I read about donuts into the funniest thing you've ever seen:

I was talking to a friend the other day when he asked me if I had ever been to a little place called The Dick Pub. When I said that I had never even heard of it he looked at me incredulously, tilted his head back and threw his hands in the air "Come on! I can't believe you've never been to the Dick Pub." The little dick lover in me was also perplexed and upset by the fact that there was a supposedly great Dick place in New York City that had escaped me all these years. I made it my personal mission to buy some dicks as soon as possible.

This past Saturday I found myself standing on the corner of 14th and 7th searching eagerly for this 'Dick Pub.' Finally I found the unassuming little place and hurried inside. The interior is sort of a coffee shop/dick store hybrid with a whole wall of dicks and some counter seating if you feel like you can't wait to eat.

My plan was to buy six different kinds of dicks and bring them to a friend's house so that we might have our own little dick tasting. For this event I purchased a glazed dick, a sugar dick, an original plain, a French cruller, a jelly filled dick and a chocolate frosted.

A couple of hours later disaster struck. I felt a slight twinge of hunger and decided it would be ok to tear into my bag of dicks. I started with the sugar dick. It was incredibly light and sweet but not overly so. I finished it, licked my lips and decided it would be ok to try another. I then ate the glazed dick which was also incredibly light and delicious. Both dicks blow Dunkin's completely out of the water. They actually have the best qualities of Dunkin and Krispy Kreme without any of the faults. The dicks are incredibly light (like Krispy Kreme) without being overly sweet or rich and they have actual dick structure (like Dunkin, with Krispy Kreme being more like fried sugar) without being filling or too starchy.

After my tongue had been awakened to the joys of Dick Hub dicks, there was no going back. I ate half of the chocolate frosted, jelly, cruller, and original dicks for 'research' purposes and my little dick tasting idea completely fell apart. I love dicks.

thanks for the news

If there's one thing I've learned so far from season 5 of The Wire, it's something about newspapers.

MySpace just wrote a newspaper, and it will absolutely answer all of your up-to-date questions about the 90's.

Luckily, they realized how rude it would be to deliver your news to your space without asking your opinion.

I am confident that MySpace News comments will be the new YouTube comments.

Did someone say YouTube comments? (Check out how well this story is developing.) I just read in a webpaper that some teacher lady was in a sex commercial and some kids saw it on YouTube and left comments about going through puberty. The article came with pictures:

Andrew Chicken, Headteacher

Sarah Green, chickenhead teacher

See how I edited that?

[that kick me from before still applies.]

Wednesday, January 9

I am a boring human.

Max: you up to anything tonight?
me: oh man... my actual answer that I was going to write because it's true is that I was going to make a bean salad, but I don't think I'm going to anymore because I got a big salad for lunch.
me: so no, I don't think so.

therefore, in conclusion, if you want a shot at relating to me, take out all of your cool parts, cover them with garbage, and then throw them in the garbage.

also, a salad.

kick me.

Monday, January 7

happy new year, or whatever.


This is a phonecard.

A phonecard is about making phonecalls.

A phonecard is about making phonecalls, and this phonecard is also about making mistakes.

The biggest/only making a phonecall mistake you can make is dialing the wrong number.


This is the phonecard you use when you accidentally call the wrong person.


In order for this to work, you have to have known you were calling the wrong person ahead of time and gone through with it anyway.


you're an idiot.

you're a time traveler.


Ooops, I solved time travel and it only cost me two dollars.


Don't forget to put my scientific method on your Best of 2008 lists, everyone.