Monday, November 26

life in the fast lane

[sometimes I talk to the radio.]



commercial:
aren't you tired of waiting in line?
me: yes
commerical: don't you hate--
me: yes
commercial: wouldn't you--
me: yes
commercial: words about flying. flying. this is about flying on planes. airports, business-class, briefcase. legroom. we are talking about flying. so isn't it about time you--
me: yes
commercial: don't you think EZPass is so good?
me: yes, because I am tired of waiting in line.

commercial: do you want to blow-up an airport?
me: yes
commercial: do you want to blow-up an airport without getting caught?
me: yes
commercial: how about an airplane? do you want to blow-up an airplane?
me: yes
commercial: do you want to get caught?
me: yes. no. I mean, no. yes.
commercial: do you have a name, or a fake name that you know how to use?
me: yes
commercial: do you have a computer and a credit card and almost one hundred dollars?
me: yes
commercial: and you want to blow-up an airport, right?
me: yes, I especially do.
commercial: then for a businessman like you, the answer is clear.


"Somehow, we have to find common sense solutions that don't make everyone a suspect and create security bottlenecks everywhere we go. To be blunt, that means we need a fair, sensible way not to treat everyone the same when it comes to terrorism protection." -Creator/CEO

"It has allowed me to catch at least two flights I would have missed if I were not using the Clear lane."
J. V. - Member Since 2005

"Clear has given me back some control over a piece of the travel experience that can be very time consuming. My family thanks you!"
M. E. - Member Since 2005

"I'm white, so this works out for me."
E. W. - Member since 2007

Thursday, November 22

no thanks

as my t-shirt will tell you, this family doesn't think much of Thanksgiving, which is why when my sister told me to "bring drinks" to dinner at our mom's house, I thought she meant beer until like an hour ago when I found out that she was asking me to bring anything that was a drink-- not alcohol-- which could be anything and is too many things for me to understand without asking for help.
and so I googled how to bring drinks to thanksgiving.


Act II

eHow.com is a place for women, where women can go to just be themselves, and also find out about stuff that only women care about. we met through google a couple of minutes ago. she seems nice, but kind of dumb.



while some of those are a little tricky (how to ge universal remote, everyone), I'm pretty sure that letter of resignation just wrote itself...

dear my husband,

I wanted to eSuprise you by printing out some e-structions on how you could eBulid me a deck, but there were ants allover the computer so I bought a puppy and now I want to be an actress.
please don't ever leave me, I'm fat and I have bad credit.

the sofa bed's too big without you,
wife



Act III

act III is like the parts of VH1's The Pickup Artist when the contestants would say something about how they are a nerd and it would make you feel bad, mixed with none of the good or happy parts of anything.



next stop: Sad Central Station. please have your tickets ready.



looks like they forgot step zero, which is buying a computer and learning how to use it for the sole purpose of looking up how to enjoy Thanksgiving alone on a website that is for women.

also, act III scene I is that putting on the TV as soon as you wake up so that you feel like there's someone else in the room with you deserves to drink poison out of a mug that declares it's the World's Saddest Path, and should specifically count as cheating on this test which is about being alone.



don't do that. don't do any of that. go back to sleep, this time forever.



act III scene IV: Our hero returns to the apartment, weighed down by the plastic bags of sorrow. He flicks the light switch by the door, only to find that the electricity was cut-off while he was out picking up a Thanksgiving meal at the local Boston Market. He lights one, two pumpkin-scented candles and sits in front of the television set to watch the remainder of the parade but oh yeah, that's right, no electricity. It doesn't matter, he wasn't really watching it anyway. Suddenly, he realizes that the food in his fridge will soon spoil, so he takes all three Hungry Man Dinners out of the freezer and sets them on the radiator nearby. There's no sense in wasting these three Hungry Man Dinners, he tells himself, not on Thanksgiving. He lights another candle and leafs through the print edition of eHow.com, finally arriving at the eHow To Survive a Blackout tipsheet. He closes the book and reminds himself that he got the day started on the right path which gives him the power to get through anything. He is wrong on both counts, but he doesn't know it yet.



at this point, it is very important to get settled in. holiday celebrations can be hectic and overwhelming, and can really take their toll on a person who is not being careful. on this, your own awesome Thanksgiving, try relaxing alone in the living room for a little while, to prepare yourself for spending minutes alone in the kitchen, and then hours alone back in the living room. when the mayhem's subsided, you can sneak off to bed (alone) for some settling in (alone again/still.) relax-- no one will know that you're planning on putting off cleaning up until tomorrow!

while this might sound like the final step, you're not actually finished enjoying Thanksgiving alone until you travel back in time to a week-and-a-half ago, look up by myself, plz help on eHow.com (your favorite a place for women), and then tell the story of how this happened to you once:




Epilogue



happy thanksgiving.
see you at christmas.

Wednesday, November 14

what did one gurrrl say to the other gurrrl?

I was over at the website of the office of the bronx borough president doing some research for a joke I wanted to make about the pope's upcoming Yankee Stadium mass (which, by the way, was going to include the killer line: ay, I'm prayin' here! seriously, I'm a writer, everyone.)

instead, I'm gonna go ahead and let this car drive itself:



plus, I'm definitely going to come back in April and make the pope joke, so please fuggedaboutit until then. did I mention I'm a writer now?

Monday, November 12

tin foil hat

true fact number one about me: some most of my passwords are X-Files character names then some relevant number (duanebarry2X05 if you think you can write this newsletter better than I can.)

true fact about me number two: last night, when I heard a low rumble followed by a mid-to-high pitched whine from above, for a minute I thought with my real, working brain that it might be an invasion, before realizing that the people upstairs were just vacuuming.

related: this and this is what Saturn sounds like. you have to click through to listen because I didn't want to hotlink* audio from NASA.

in other news: congratulations, you're still in the running to maybe die a horrible firey death thousands of lightyears away from home.



1. I think it's called 2008 Space Korea.
2. I could watch those suits swim down from the rafters all day.

meanwhile, on equally important American reality TV:




anyway: this is how you make a thoughtscreen hat, and below is a treasure map to joining my cult.



as G.F. Wilson put it, "in space, no one can hear you scream."

(*hotlinking is like spacedocking, but for websites.)

Tuesday, November 6

re: fanmail

here's my deal:

  • I stopped being fun
  • seasons 1-4 of The Wire
  • these shoes I bought for twelve dollars:



here's her deal:
  • Lakshmi Tatma is joined at the pelvis to what is, in effect, a headless, undeveloped twin.
  • !!!
  • this picture:


  • and also this picture:



deal or no deal:
  • Brazilian Supermodel Gisele B√ľndchen is refusing to accept payment in US dollars while the currency remains so weak.
  • that time Linda Evangelista said, "we don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
  • this picture:



in conclusion, sorry that this thing sucks now. I'll try harder or whatever. that girl has four legs.