Friday, September 28

this one goes out to the one I left. behind.

it's safe to say that Cat has seen better days. according to Roomate, Inc. he walked backwards for ten minutes trying to get out of that thing. poor guy. keep him in your prayers. anyway, this one's for Cat, to let him know that it could be worse.

ways it could be worse:

knife collar [dangerous] / [sharp]

clown collar [scary]

horse collar [stampede] / [risk of stampede]

fish collar [contains fatally high levels of mercury, which you don't understand because you're a cat, so you go ahead and eat your way out of this because you are a cat and it is fish that is tied to your face.] / [scary]

GET WELL SOON !!11!!1!!!1!

Thursday, September 27

NEW-nited YAY-tions*

*sometimes I wish I could beat myself up.

losing sleep! makeshift hall! NOT GOOD ENOUGH, Moon. luckily, I have like ten ideas, and you (world) have the 1.88 billion dollars and seven years I need to realize them.

idea number one
throw this in the garbage:

and build one of these:

because tires are cheap, and you can find them almost anywhere.

idea number two
take out all of the boring stuff and books and podiums, and try having some fun for a change!

clockwise from left: cafeteria, arcade, war room 1, general assembly bridge, batting cage, war room 2, pogo lounge, gun locker, cafeteria.

idea number three
turn this:

the Captain Kirk Memorial Zero-Gravity General Assembly Room Bridge

full disclosure or whatever: I've been both Condoleezza Rice and Lieutenant Uhura for Halloween in the past.

anyway, it looks like I only had three ideas after all, so I guess you should only give me a little over one-third of 1.88 billion dollars and seven years.

Tuesday, September 25

DO NOT INVENT !!!1!1!11!!1!

I hate to say I told you so (just kidding- I love the fact that I'm always right), but everyone who's ever made fun of my obsession with Phillip K. Dick can eat a fat one (dick, I mean).

remember gay bombs? apparently, the jokes that 12 year olds make have been replaced by the books that 12 year olds read as the inspiration for the next hot thing in military science.


meet Project Hostile Intent:

From the Homeland Security Institute website: With 400 million people entering the country every year, authorities are always on the lookout for individuals who may harbor hostile intent toward the United States and its citizens. But while measures such as biometrics—including fingerprints, iris, and facial scans—are in place to detect known terrorists, how do we detect those without a past? What about those with no known ties to terrorist organizations? Or those who do not appear in any government database?

yeah, wait, what about them?
wait... what?

From the Wikipedia Entry on the story The Minority Report: Precrime is a system that has replaced the previous system of discovering a crime and its perpetrator after it had been committed (with punishment given as a penalty for such action), with imprisonment before the crime taking place to prevent it happening.

oh, right, we're talking about a fake thing that doesn't exist.

Creepy Government Think Tank: Through Directorate-sponsored research, capabilities are being sought to identify deception and hostile intent in real time, on the spot, using non-invasive sensors.

oh, cool.

In a sci-fi story from 50 years ago: The system of predicting the future in reports is carried out by three mutants known as precogs because of their precognitive abilities which allow them to see up to two weeks into the future.

right- science fiction, not science fact.

Larry Willis, the program manager for the project: “The early test results have us cautiously optimistic... This technology has the potential to revolutionize the screening and interviewing process supporting access control for borders and critical infrastructure.”


In a made up fantasy world: The precogs sit in a room which is perpetually in half-darkness, constantly talking nonsense to themselves that is incoherent until it is analysed by a computer into predictions of the future.

yes, that does sound a lot like our government (zing / slam / braff.)

Thursday, September 20

same shirt, different day

pop quiz!

1. how many quotation marks are on this shirt?

answer: the answer is infinity. there are infinity quotation marks on this t-shirt.

proof: a drawing of hands making air-quotes, wherein each hand is inside its own set of motion-line-quotes, when used in lieu of quotation marks will go on and on forever if you don't kill the guy who made it.

bonus: t-shirts haven't been this stupid since Smallfry wore the one that said SICK OF IT ALL in college, and then took it off to reveal his other shirt, which was a tattoo on his back that said Loyalty in gothic script.

young men in suits

they looked like this:

and said this:
Gross #1: I know... I mean, I keep it real.
Gross #2: You do. You keep it totally real, and that's what I like about you.

I couldn't hear the rest of what they said from underneath the car I ran in front of, but it was probably pretty real.

Tuesday, September 18

math is hard

I might try harder tomorrow.

Monday, September 17

when you have seen only one set of footprints...

Dear God,

Just wanted to drop a note saying that I hate every single thing you did to me today, except for when you convinced me to eat that on-the-go sandwich and then tricked me into walking it past that pretty huge open-faced gym that had NO JUDGMENTS written above most of its windows, because that was basically hilarious.

But everything else? Come on. I don't know if you're mad at me or whatever, but I wont give up on you if you promise not to give up on me.


Satan, if you're reading this, call me.


Thursday, September 13

with friends like these...

this monkey and this pigeon
THANK GOD THIS EXISTS !!1!!1111!!!!1!

[via daily mail]

[thanks to Friend, M.D. for sending this in]

Tuesday, September 11

here's a better note to end on

last night, Roommate Incorporated referred to the part of the faucet that you turn when you turn on a faucet as the turner, which was incredible and reminded me of the time I called my wrist a hand-arm.

but seriously, what do you call that?



anyway, look how I took your mind off that joke I made before.

tragedy 2.0

this is an open source myspace code.
copy & paste: img src=

seriously guys, I want this to be the LIVESTRONG bracelet of 9/11.


please note that this:





and this:

are all actual mypsace graphics that are real and available and part of a trend that deserves to be made fun of.

Monday, September 10

charity begins at homme

this album is going to help fight AIDS or Africa or whatever.

Thursday, September 6

is this thing on?

this blog has lost sight of the issues. here are some things we could use:

1. a chicken on stilts

2. balloons with hands that hold kids' hands so that kids wont let go of them so much

3. a TV show called Foster Dogs, about a married (dog) couple who can't conceive, so they adopt a set of twins (dogs) only to find out that the (foster) dogs sneak out at night to kill other dogs.

4. a theme song for the TV show Foster Dogs that goes:

Foster Dogs.... they FIGHT!
Foster Dogs.... at NIGHT!


Foster Dogs.... they MIGHT!
(Kill you.)
(If you're a dog.)

5. Blood PiƱata / new ways to teach kids a lesson