fat man to mars

this is amazing.

you really did it this time.

we. are. your friends.

so this conversation happened...

Friend, M.D.: how can i figure out how much my cat weighs?
me: um, really?
Friend, M.D.: no no i need to know because i want to switch her over to wet food and i need to know the amount she should be eating
me: but like, you're asking me how to find out how much something weighs?
Friend, M.D.: but i dont have a scale, so i think im screwed
me: get a scale
Friend, M.D.: without a scale!
me: you want to know how to find out how much something weighs, but you don't want the answer to be "use a scale"?
Friend, M.D.: no, I'm saying I don't have a scale
me: is this a riddle?
this is a riddle, right?
Friend, M.D.: does your roommate's cat eat canned food?
me: I'm done with this.
Friend, M.D.: i think its funny that people complain that their cats are finicky
my cat eats anything and everything
me: seriously, stop it.

but then, since I'm such a good friend, I asked another good friend
what he thought she should do...

me: [that conversation]
Max: Tell her to fill a bucket with water and mark a line in the bucket where the surface is. Then get someone to hold the cat completely underwater for about a minute while you make a new line. Calculate the weight by taking the distance between the lines and then throwing the cat in the trash because now it's dead.

Look how much money I saved her.

this dictionary tells you exactly how you got rocked when I dissed you.
...
...
BRAFF!

the easiest way to make a bomb is by putting bullets in the toaster.