second draft

Wait, did someone say editing?

Any editor will tell you that Microsoft Word's Find & Replace function is the one powertool they can't live without. Just look how it turned this story I read about donuts into the funniest thing you've ever seen:

DICKS!
I was talking to a friend the other day when he asked me if I had ever been to a little place called The Dick Pub. When I said that I had never even heard of it he looked at me incredulously, tilted his head back and threw his hands in the air "Come on! I can't believe you've never been to the Dick Pub." The little dick lover in me was also perplexed and upset by the fact that there was a supposedly great Dick place in New York City that had escaped me all these years. I made it my personal mission to buy some dicks as soon as possible.

This past Saturday I found myself standing on the corner of 14th and 7th searching eagerly for this 'Dick Pub.' Finally I found the unassuming little place and hurried inside. The interior is sort of a coffee shop/dick store hybrid with a whole wall of dicks and some counter seating if you feel like you can't wait to eat.

My plan was to buy six different kinds of dicks and bring them to a friend's house so that we might have our own little dick tasting. For this event I purchased a glazed dick, a sugar dick, an original plain, a French cruller, a jelly filled dick and a chocolate frosted.

A couple of hours later disaster struck. I felt a slight twinge of hunger and decided it would be ok to tear into my bag of dicks. I started with the sugar dick. It was incredibly light and sweet but not overly so. I finished it, licked my lips and decided it would be ok to try another. I then ate the glazed dick which was also incredibly light and delicious. Both dicks blow Dunkin's completely out of the water. They actually have the best qualities of Dunkin and Krispy Kreme without any of the faults. The dicks are incredibly light (like Krispy Kreme) without being overly sweet or rich and they have actual dick structure (like Dunkin, with Krispy Kreme being more like fried sugar) without being filling or too starchy.

After my tongue had been awakened to the joys of Dick Hub dicks, there was no going back. I ate half of the chocolate frosted, jelly, cruller, and original dicks for 'research' purposes and my little dick tasting idea completely fell apart. I love dicks.

thanks for the news

If there's one thing I've learned so far from season 5 of The Wire, it's something about newspapers.

MySpace just wrote a newspaper, and it will absolutely answer all of your up-to-date questions about the 90's.



Luckily, they realized how rude it would be to deliver your news to your space without asking your opinion.




I am confident that MySpace News comments will be the new YouTube comments.

Did someone say YouTube comments? (Check out how well this story is developing.) I just read in a webpaper that some teacher lady was in a sex commercial and some kids saw it on YouTube and left comments about going through puberty. The article came with pictures:


Andrew Chicken, Headteacher


Sarah Green, chickenhead teacher

See how I edited that?

[that kick me from before still applies.]

I am a boring human.

Max: you up to anything tonight?
me: oh man... my actual answer that I was going to write because it's true is that I was going to make a bean salad, but I don't think I'm going to anymore because I got a big salad for lunch.
me: so no, I don't think so.

therefore, in conclusion, if you want a shot at relating to me, take out all of your cool parts, cover them with garbage, and then throw them in the garbage.

also, a salad.

kick me.

happy new year, or whatever.

DATA

This is a phonecard.

A phonecard is about making phonecalls.

A phonecard is about making phonecalls, and this phonecard is also about making mistakes.

The biggest/only making a phonecall mistake you can make is dialing the wrong number.

HYPOTHESIS

This is the phonecard you use when you accidentally call the wrong person.

EXPERIMENT

In order for this to work, you have to have known you were calling the wrong person ahead of time and gone through with it anyway.

CONCLUSION

you're an idiot.

you're a time traveler.

REPORT

Ooops, I solved time travel and it only cost me two dollars.

NOTES

Don't forget to put my scientific method on your Best of 2008 lists, everyone.

what wouldn't jesus jam without?

As a musician, I am always on the lookout for the next hot thing in a website that makes no sense about a product that is hilarious.



VAM!



Everybody VAM!



VAM stands for Vocal Acoustic Monitor!

VAM!



VAM is eating my face!


Since it's immediately apparent what this is, I barely need to explain to you that . But you probably have a couple of other questions like I don't have a VAM yet, so what should I do in the mean time until I buy a VAM in each of the available colors??



Do you VAM what I VAM?

Oh yes, cupping the ear. Classic. Aren't there problems with this technique though, because I can't think of any but I really want to buy a VAM! right now anyway.



Totally. If only there were a way that I could tape the thing you play jai alai with to a microphone and hold it up to my face while I sing so that I wouldn't look so ridiculous all the time.


I learned how to give VAM in prison.



Re: "what do you know," my answer is that you literally just forgot to say "no homo" like five or six times, and that nothing about any of this is real.

VAM!


Hello, operator? My wig is broken. VAM!



UNCLE VAM WANTS YOU!



Don't leave me hangin, Cancelmo. Tell me where to get one right now.



Great. So I'm pretty much convinced, but I just wanna make sure this is right for me, so like, what kind of musician is the VAM! perfect for?




Fat Steven Tyler's like "WHAT THE VAM!??!?!?"


COME VAM WITH US.



"Pancake. Uh huh, P-A-N-C... yes, like a pancake.
What do you mean this isn't a phone?"


This tool is not a piece of shit.

VAM!

it takes a village, idiot

this morning I got an email from a guy who was like "I drew on a lunchbox or something, for hunger" so I checked it out and, since I am smart, designed my own lunchbox for the cure that is filled with money and pukes money whenever it opens its lunchmouth. also, my lunchbox is times a million. don't mention it.



just kidding, this is the real one I made:



just kidding, I don't care about stuff or helping stuff out.

but if unlike me, you are looking for a way to do a charity this holiday season, try this:
step 1: kidnap a lot of kids
step 2: pre-lie about where they came from
step 3: when you get caught for kidnapping a ton of kids and having pre-lied about where they came from, and people start asking the tough questions like how come these kids were bandaged and covered in fake blood, even though they weren't injured? get your lawyer to say that you did it to amuse them because they were scared of the journey.

this is a video daily double

bet it all on Gabe and Max!


[via bing boing]

by the way, max knows a lot about music and making you laugh.

IM IN UR STRIKE, SUPPORTIN THE WRITERZ

a video from Frank Lesser and others members of the Colbert crew...


learn more about stuff be going here.

life in the fast lane

[sometimes I talk to the radio.]



commercial: aren't you tired of waiting in line?
me: yes
commerical: don't you hate--
me: yes
commercial: wouldn't you--
me: yes
commercial: words about flying. flying. this is about flying on planes. airports, business-class, briefcase. legroom. we are talking about flying. so isn't it about time you--
me: yes
commercial: don't you think EZPass is so good?
me: yes, because I am tired of waiting in line.

commercial: do you want to blow-up an airport?
me: yes
commercial: do you want to blow-up an airport without getting caught?
me: yes
commercial: how about an airplane? do you want to blow-up an airplane?
me: yes
commercial: do you want to get caught?
me: yes. no. I mean, no. yes.
commercial: do you have a name, or a fake name that you know how to use?
me: yes
commercial: do you have a computer and a credit card and almost one hundred dollars?
me: yes
commercial: and you want to blow-up an airport, right?
me: yes, I especially do.
commercial: then for a businessman like you, the answer is clear.


"Somehow, we have to find common sense solutions that don't make everyone a suspect and create security bottlenecks everywhere we go. To be blunt, that means we need a fair, sensible way not to treat everyone the same when it comes to terrorism protection." -Creator/CEO

"It has allowed me to catch at least two flights I would have missed if I were not using the Clear lane."
J. V. - Member Since 2005

"Clear has given me back some control over a piece of the travel experience that can be very time consuming. My family thanks you!"
M. E. - Member Since 2005

"I'm white, so this works out for me."
E. W. - Member since 2007

no thanks

as my t-shirt will tell you, this family doesn't think much of Thanksgiving, which is why when my sister told me to "bring drinks" to dinner at our mom's house, I thought she meant beer until like an hour ago when I found out that she was asking me to bring anything that was a drink-- not alcohol-- which could be anything and is too many things for me to understand without asking for help.
and so I googled how to bring drinks to thanksgiving.


Act II

eHow.com is a place for women, where women can go to just be themselves, and also find out about stuff that only women care about. we met through google a couple of minutes ago. she seems nice, but kind of dumb.



while some of those are a little tricky (how to ge universal remote, everyone), I'm pretty sure that letter of resignation just wrote itself...

dear my husband,

I wanted to eSuprise you by printing out some e-structions on how you could eBulid me a deck, but there were ants allover the computer so I bought a puppy and now I want to be an actress.
please don't ever leave me, I'm fat and I have bad credit.

the sofa bed's too big without you,
wife


Act III

act III is like the parts of VH1's The Pickup Artist when the contestants would say something about how they are a nerd and it would make you feel bad, mixed with none of the good or happy parts of anything.



next stop: Sad Central Station. please have your tickets ready.



looks like they forgot step zero, which is buying a computer and learning how to use it for the sole purpose of looking up how to enjoy Thanksgiving alone on a website that is for women.

also, act III scene I is that putting on the TV as soon as you wake up so that you feel like there's someone else in the room with you deserves to drink poison out of a mug that declares it's the World's Saddest Path, and should specifically count as cheating on this test which is about being alone.



don't do that. don't do any of that. go back to sleep, this time forever.



act III scene IV: Our hero returns to the apartment, weighed down by the plastic bags of sorrow. He flicks the light switch by the door, only to find that the electricity was cut-off while he was out picking up a Thanksgiving meal at the local Boston Market. He lights one, two pumpkin-scented candles and sits in front of the television set to watch the remainder of the parade but oh yeah, that's right, no electricity. It doesn't matter, he wasn't really watching it anyway. Suddenly, he realizes that the food in his fridge will soon spoil, so he takes all three Hungry Man Dinners out of the freezer and sets them on the radiator nearby. There's no sense in wasting these three Hungry Man Dinners, he tells himself, not on Thanksgiving. He lights another candle and leafs through the print edition of eHow.com, finally arriving at the eHow To Survive a Blackout tipsheet. He closes the book and reminds himself that he got the day started on the right path which gives him the power to get through anything. He is wrong on both counts, but he doesn't know it yet.



at this point, it is very important to get settled in. holiday celebrations can be hectic and overwhelming, and can really take their toll on a person who is not being careful. on this, your own awesome Thanksgiving, try relaxing alone in the living room for a little while, to prepare yourself for spending minutes alone in the kitchen, and then hours alone back in the living room. when the mayhem's subsided, you can sneak off to bed (alone) for some settling in (alone again/still.) relax-- no one will know that you're planning on putting off cleaning up until tomorrow!

while this might sound like the final step, you're not actually finished enjoying Thanksgiving alone until you travel back in time to a week-and-a-half ago, look up by myself, plz help on eHow.com (your favorite a place for women), and then tell the story of how this happened to you once:




Epilogue



happy thanksgiving.
see you at christmas.